Letters Never Sent

I don't know who to write this blog to. I know I want to write it someone but I can't decide on who, so this may...no, WILL shift audiences as I go along. Here goes.

Loving you left me breathless everytime. I wish I remember the exact line I used to describe it...it was something like "Loving you is beyond being simply breathless, it's like exhaling a long breath you've been holding and breathing a-new for the first time" (Or something like that...)

You're the nice guy I always knew I'd hook up with but never did since Matthew. I almost don't deserve someone so loving and sincere and sweet, looking at my deceivingly restless love life. For the first time in a long time, I'm content with loving someone.

Then you changed. It was slow, gradual, and I had almost missed your transformation completely. At first, I was fine with it. You were happier (mostly) and your confidence was incomparable to what it had used to be. You were passionate about things again, and it was wonderful. But soon, one thing after another happened to you and to me. We were drifting apart, slowly, but I never notice these things. I was still so blindly in love with you but I knew you saw it coming. You always see before things happen...

I don't like it, that feeling of restlessness. It's coming back to me now, I feel it bubbling down in my gut like a dormant geyser biding it's time to explode to mess up my life once more. Why can't I just SETTLE?

Who would have thought it had only been a few months since I tried to shun you out of my life? But I was just tired of dealing with this different you and frustrated that I still wanted to be with you, despite the hurt in my heart that seemed to doggedly follow me from afar when I was with you.

It would devastate me if I hurt you again, but if I had to, would you let me let you go because you would understand how I feel and decide you can't be that for me? Or would you surprise me and tell me that you love me so much and won't let me go and if that means striving for something a little more for me, you would? I need to know you have goals, aspirations and dreams, so I can help you towards them.

We're different now, we both know it. You would think I'm just a silly girl if you knew how I felt about you now. My skin's a little tougher now but I'm just as sincere. I'd like to think I wouldn't be blindly loving you if I did again. I missed you, plain as that.

Loving someone is never the same as a previous love and mine is no different. I like when you surprise me, the happiness fills me up from my belly to the top of my head. I wish you would let me in more, that you would let yourself trust me so because I'm letting myself trust you more and more. You waited for me, it's the least I can do to wait for you.

I can't tell you this now, but maybe someday.

I can't tell you this now, but maybe someday.


~Vickie