When it's time to make a change...

So I pretty much had the scare of my life this morning.

My parents visited this weekend and I volunteered my bed for them, so I snoozed on the couch downstairs. They left for their flight this morning before 5 AM so I mumbled goodbye and drifted to sleep again, even though I had to get up only half an hour later. Obviously, I woke up late and rushed to get dressed and run to the bus stop to make my 6 AM bus. And I seriously sprinted and JUST made it.

But boy, I did NOT feel good.

I was breathing hard, of course, but the tiny spritz of DKNY Red Delicious I put on myself totally enveloped my smell tolerance and I was dizzy. That dizziness combined with the fact I had -nothing- to eat pushed me to the edge of consciousness. Ten minutes on that bus, I was gritting my teeth, groaning inwardly and trying not to be sick. 20 minutes in, and I was ready to blackout, my vision fading in and out, knowing in the back of my mind I was bottoming out. My hands and face were feeling cold and clammy and I was struggling to just make it to the train station. Desperate for anything to put in my stomach, I asked the guy across from me if he had any sugar in his coffee, unfortunately he drank it black -_-

There was a 7-11 across the way from the train station, and I stumbled off that bus and trudged my way to it, starry-visioned and all. I must've looked drunk, but I knew I HAD to make it to that 7-11 and get something in me. The fresh air helped immensely and by the time I made it to the crosswalk right before the Pit Stop, I was a little further from fainting than I was. I walked in, as composed as I possibly could and bought 2 chocolate bars, chocolate milk, and some microwave taco thing, which was the first thing I scarfed down. Immediately, my stomach settled, my vision cleared completely, and my fingers felt normal. The potent smell of my DKNY was still sticking to me, but at least now I could stand myself.

I thought about calling Cliff to come pick me up from the 7-11 and take me home. Because as I stood inside, eating my taco thing and pretending to look at the magazines, I was seriously scared. Too many things were going through my mind: What if I passed out on the bus? What if I didn't make it to the 7-11? What if I was stubborn and forced myself to go all the way to school? Would I have even made it that far? I could only remember two other times where I bottomed out this badly, and both times I went through the same symptoms, but by far the scariest part was when my vision started going.

I'd shut my eyes and every time I open them, I'd see less and less. I'd just see sparkles and partial tunnel vision and rubbing them would just make my vision dazzle more. At this point, I know I'm going to brown out, which is like a total black out but you're still conscious, and that's the scary part. Because you see that your vision's going, and you feel so sleepy and you hear yourself groaning and breathing hard, and you KNOW you're going to pass out and you KNOW you could've prevented it.

What happened this morning shouldn't have happened, but it did, and I need to listen to my body telling me to fix what's wrong with it. And I KNOW what's wrong with me, I've always known, but I thought I knew better and could overcome it on my own terms. Turns out my 'terms' were pretty selfish and didn't help overcome my condition at all, and so today, I think my body decided to jolt me back to my priorities. I tend to get caught up in a private vicious circle when it comes to my health, and it's sad that it always takes something like this to get me to get myself out of it. Thank God for the cool morning today, which allowed me to breathe clearly and make it to 7-11. Because there are too many people in my life I love and care about, and who love and care for me, to slack off and damage my longterm health.

It's time to make a change.

~Vickie