Today's Sombre Sweetness: Withdrawing from my Algebra Class

So it's done, finally. I've successfully withdrawn from my Linear Algebra for Scientists and Engineers class. The stress and frustration it gave me can no longer plague me, and I concentrate on my three remaining classes on the subjects I do best: Astronomy, Calculus, and Physics. In a way, Vickie was victorious today, and the victory was sweet.

Bittersweet, more like. Or sombre sweet, to quote one of my more recents works. Besides immense relief, I felt fleeting moments of guilt, resentment, and disappointment in myself as I handed in my withdrawl forms. As angry and frustrated as I was with that class, I'll miss the wonderful moments of realization and elation I had, few and far between as they were. The proud part of me screamed at my conscious that it knew I could do better, because I was smarter than that, while the reasoning part of me, though quieter but still as persistant, told me I really did all that I could do and that I truly tried.

Of my imperfections, I have to say that failing to satisfy the standards of my own personal effort when I am not successful is by far my most prominent and recurring. Whether it is just how I always was or a product of my environment, I always expect a little more and a little better of myself, just as I do in other people. And to others, this can be viewed as good, because when someone is confident and expects more of you, you yourself are more likely to meet and succeed said (or unsaid) expectations. But when put on a self-reflecting level, this added pressure can throw the most confident person for a loop, making the mind and heart doubt itself utterly, and for often ridiculous reasons. This trait, when combined with foreign influences and overactive imaginations, is a more subtle and ultimately more damaging form of perfectionism and hurts the self deeper if left unconfronted and allowed to simmer within the psyche, which when finally dealt with, can make the recovery all the more difficult.

Maybe I'm a broken record, too proud and too stubborn to leave things be, but I promised myself to write my thoughts until I felt better and I think I do. If not better, than at least mind and soul are much lighter than they were.

~Vickie