Day 2 of....

Well it's the end of Day 2 and I can safely say I'm...well, okay. I can talk about it now, and frankly that's all I feel like doing, and it sort of helps...

Because if I stop talking, I start thinking, and when I'm in a situation where I have to be quiet and still (aka sleeping), the thinking doesn't help any. I've been tossing and turning as I fall asleep for, well, a couple days and it's no picnic.

I need to wait till "it's time" and then I can talk to him, no sooner, no later. It pains me, but as I told to all the ones I've told "I need it to hurt, at least for a little bit", just so I myself know that I'm not stupid enough to instantly let myself be distracted by my games, my movies, Facebook, or my random doings online. Or as Caterina so perfectly put it, I need it to hurt to make it feel real.

Feeling real...Even being the avid Dreamer such that I am, the dazed, dreamy feeling that lingers still, days after the fact, is the strangest sensation. It's a dream-state you never completely shake off, it hangs upon your mind and soon, as you are psychologically weighed down by it, you start to feel it physically too. One moment you're working at your job, the next you're staring off into space, blinking dully, your hands frozen mid-task, the busy sounds around you soften then mute altogether...and then everything snaps back into motion and sound floods back into your ears, like nothing happened. The psychological episode is followed by a barely-there ache down your arms, not the kind of ache you get after a workout, but as if your arms or hands are used to doing something routinely but are suddenly not anymore, muscle memory out of whack, a phantom ache aching...

It's just...hard.

~Vickie